Gay or European
by Ki Ken Tai Ichi
Summary: During a boring G8 meeting, America and Canada attempt a rendition of "Gay or European" with Russia and Japan joining in. The target: one grumpy, tomato loving Italian. (K for cursing and insinuation of sexual activities)


**A/N**: Inspired by one of the many "Gay or European" AMVs I've seen on youtube. The song comes from the musical adaptation of "Legally Blonde".

* * *

It was a cloudy day in London, and it largely reflected the attitudes of the nine countries (eight if you counted the Vargas brothers as one) that had been sitting around an oblong table for the better part of 6 hours.

Canada and America were having an intense stare down that was going largely unnoticed during Germany's review of trade tariffs because -for once- America was communicating quietly and his conversation partner was…was…what's his name.

And for how intense the silent conversation was, it was inversely proportional to its duration, meaning that after barely half a minute the eye contact was severed and the tension in the room slacked. However, it seemed as though that strange conversation was only the beginning of things, because during a brief reprieve between Germany's speech and France's upcoming talk America suddenly spoke.

"There, right there!" America snapped, jumping to his feet while pointing an accusative finger at South Italy. "_Look at that tanned, well-tended skin. Look at the killer shape he's in. Look at that slightly stubbly chin. Oh please he's gay, totally gay_."

With an ostentatious roll of his eyes, Canada got to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest. "_I'm not about to celebrate, every trait could indicate, a totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say, not gay."_

"_That is the elephant in the room, well is it relevant to assume, that a man who wears perfume is automatically, radically fey._" America and Canada harmonized while staring each other down.

"_But look at his coiffed and crispy locks, look at his silk translucent socks_." America argued, holding his stare with his brother while gesturing to South Italy dismissively.

"_There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seein'_." Canada began in a lecturing tone.

"_What are we seein'_?" America retorted sarcastically.

"_Is he gay_?" At this suggestion, America shrugs as if to say 'no duh'. "_Or European_?"

America paused his condescension to fix Canada with a wide-eyed stare. He and Canada then both broke their stares to watch the -now quite uncomfortable and confused- nation in question.

"_Gay or European_," they began in unison. "_It's hard to guarantee. Is he gay or European?_"

"_Well, hey, don't look at me."_ Russia interjected.

"_You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports, in shiny shirts and tiny shorts_." Japan added, ever the compromiser.

"_Gay or foreign fella, the answer could take weeks_." All four sang. "_They both say things like ciao bella while they kiss you on both cheeks_."

"_Oh please, gay_-" America began only to be interrupted by the others.

"-_Or European, so many shades of grey_."

"_Depending on the time of day, the French go either way."_ Russia added with a smirk.

"_Is he gay or European or_-"

"There, right there!" Canada interrupted the group with a surprisingly sharp yell. "_Look at that condescending smirk. Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro, hetero jerk! That guy's not gay. I say, no way._"

"_That is the elephant in the room,_" the four harmonized. "_Well is it relevant to presume, that a hottie in that costume-"_

"_Is automatically, radically_," Japan sang.

"_Ironically, chronically_," Canada joined.

"_Certainly, flirtingly_," Russia added.

"_Genetically, medically_," America supplemented.

"_Gay_," they all declared together. "_Officially gay, swishily gay, gay, gay, gay…dammit_!" They cursed at some -unforeseen to the others- counter to the previous -also unseen- proof.

"_Gay or European_-" The four began again.

"_So stylish and relaxed_." Canada stated.

"_Is he gay or European-"_

_"I think his chest is waxed."_ America interrupted the group.

"_But they bring their boys of different, there it's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse-" _Japan argued.

"_If he wears a kilt or bears a purse_." The others finished. "_Gay or just exotic. I still can't crack the code_."

"_Yeah, his accent is hypnotic, but his shoes are pointy toed_." Russia bemoaned.

"_Gay or European, so many shades of grey_."

"_But if he turns out straight, I'm free at 8 on Saturday_." Canada smirked with an over the top wink.

_"Is he gay or European, gay or European, gay or Euro-_"

"Wait a minute." America interrupted the group with the raising of his arms. "Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try." He said, for once speaking instead of singing.

After sighing heavily, Canada gestured. "The floor is yours."

"So, Mr. Vargas. This alleged affair with Ms. Windum has been going on for…"

"What the fuck are you-"

"And your first name is?"

"It's Romano you shit for-"

"And your boyfriend's name is?"

"Antonio."

There was a heavy silence, during which South Italy stuttered from his mistaken answer. "Ugh, that is. I mean, you, you confused me with your stupid language, you fat bastard! I thought you meant friend, a friend who is a boy. Antonio is just a friend, if even that…"

"You bastard!" Came a shout from the hallway. One of the double doors burst open, revealing Prussia and Spain, who had apparently been waiting outside for the meeting to end (likely to go gallivanting off with France to do whatever it is those idiots did when in London).

"You lying bastard!" Spain shouted, but with a large grin that made his words rather deflated in value. "Peoples, I have a big announcement! _This man is gay AND European_!"

"Whoa!" Russia, Japan, America, and Canada exclaimed overdramatically.

"_And neither is disgrace. You gotta stop your bein' a completely closet case! It's me, not her, he's seein'. No matter what he say. I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way_." Spain stepped into the meeting room and swiftly approached the heavily blushing nation under this -rather sudden- interrogation. "_You are so gay. You big parfait. You flaming, one-man cabaret_."

"I'm straight!" South Italy tried to defend.

"You were not yesterday." Spain smirked and patted South Italy once on the top of his head. "_So if I may, I'm proud to say, he's gay_!"

"_And European_!" The original four cheered.

_"He's gay_!"

"_And European_!"

"_Please gay_!"

"_And European and gay_!"

"What the fuck is all this!" South Italy interrupted the glorious final note.

"Ah, no man, your line is 'fine, okay I'm gay'. Then we all finish with a final 'hooray!'." America grumbled, as their near perfect performance was marred at the very end.

"It's okay, Al. I think it went rather well, considering how impromptu it was." Canada said comfortingly as he wrapped an arm around America's shoulders.

"Thanks man. You did pretty good yourself." America turned to Russia and Japan and beamed widely. "Thanks for the support guys. It's w_ay _better with more people!"

"It was no trouble." Japan smiled gently.

"Da, I think the song captures the society of Europe rather well." Russia agreed.

Meanwhile, Germany erased the tally underneath "minutes without interruption" from 53 to 0.


End file.
